Post by Weasel on Nov 23, 2005 9:52:16 GMT -5
> Official Department of Homeland Insecurity Memo
>
> Due to a heightened state of alert concerning the bird flu virus, the
Department of Homeland Insecurity has determined that birds will no
longer be offered unrestricted access to United States airspace.
>
> As of January 1, 2006, all migratory birds will be required to arrive at
international airports where Immigration and Naturalization Service
(INS) personnel will check for proper travel documentation and clear the
birds for entry into the United States, provided they are not carrying
undeclared fruit, which is even more dangerous than bird flu.
>
> All birds wishing to enter this country will be required to carry
passports, proof of immunizations, and entry visas. Birds who do not
have visas will be charged (ducks will be billed) a flat $250 entry fee
which must be paid three separate times, at three different
> government offices, after standing in three different lines as per
standard INS regulations.
>
> All undocumented birds shall hereforth be deemed "terrorists."
>
> Birds entering U.S. airspace without proper authorization will be
escorted by military aircraft to the nearest landing facility. Birds
("terrorists") that approach the Pentagon or White House will be fired
upon with bird-seeking air-to-air missiles. All such violence will be
televised by Fox News in a glitzy special entitled "Terror from above!"
>
> The Department of Homeland Insecurity is requesting that all hunters and
N.R.A. members assemble on the U.S. / Mexico border and shoot anything
that appears to be flying. This includes UFOs, which are required to be
videotaped with low-resolution video cameras held by people experiencing
epileptic seizures.
>
> Birds attempting to illegally cross the U.S. / Canada border in order to
gain entry will be rounded up by volunteer bird watchers armed with
high-powered binoculars and delivered to Tyson Foods' Guantanamo Bay
Division for interrogation at the hands of experienced bird torturers.
(Torture photos will be posted online by dick Cheney.)
>
> Parrots that unquestioningly repeat everything they hear may be
> offered jobs as reporters covering the White House beat.
>
> Birds who attempt to impersonate chickens will be eaten by Morgan Spurlock.
>
> Birds whose migratory patterns are disrupted by this Homeland
> Insecurity action will be offered assistance from the Federal
> Emergency Management Association (FEMA), which is standing by with five
thousand tons of ice that was never delivered to hurricane
> Katrina victims and still hasn't completely melted.
>
> All bird houses owned by U.S. citizens must be registered with
> federal officials under Chapter IV, Section 8 of the Patriot Act.
Citizens caught harboring undocumented birds in undeclared bird houses
will be deemed "enemy combatants" and subjected to the whims of Tyson
Foods foul interrogators.
>
> All birds made of white meat are hereby requested to report to their
nearest INS facility for processing into Chicken McNuggets.
>
> Questions about these policies should be directed to the U.S.
> Department of Agriculture's food pyramid website, which has the same
answer for everyone: "Drink more milk."
>
> Thank you for your compliance,
> - The Department of Homeland Insecurity, Multiplication Division
>
> Authored by Mike Adams, the Health Ranger. Permission to distribute or
repost is granted, provided credit is given to the Health Ranger, with a
link to www.NewsTarget.com/013054.html
>