Jokes

[Weasel]

Here is one of the funniest videos I have ever seen.
It is Long!
www.98online.com/kml/triumphstarwars.wmv

[wes]

A few things YOU need to know about Louisiana:

Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.

There are 5,000 types of snakes, and 4,998 live in Louisiana.

There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Louisiana, plus a
couple that nobody has seen before.

Squirrels will eat anything.


Unknown critters love to dig holes under tomato plants.

Raccoons will test your crop of melons and let you know when they are
ripe.

If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it bites.

A tractor is NOT an all-terrain vehicle. They do get stuck.

Onced and Twiced are words.

It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy.


Fire ants consider your flesh as a picnic.

People actually grow and eat okra.

"Fixinto" is one word.

There ain't no such thing as "lunch." There's "dinner" and then there's
"supper."

Sweet tea is appropriate for all meals, and you start drinking it when
you're two.

"Backards and forwards" means, "I know everything about you."

"Jeet?" is actually a phrase meaning "Did you eat?"

You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it
is.
You work until you're done or it's too dark to see.

You know you're from Louisiana if:

1. You measure distance in minutes.

2. You've ever had to switch from heat to air conditioning in the same
day.

3. You see a car running in a store parking lot with no one in it no
matter what time of the year.

4. You use "fix" as a verb. Example: "I am fixing to go to the store."

5. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit,
vegetable, grain, insect or animal.

6. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both
unlocked.

7. You carry jumper cables in your car... for your OWN car.

8. You only own four spices: salt, pepper, Tabasco and ketchup.

9. The local papers cover national and international news on one page
and six pages for local gossip and sports.

10. You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.

11. You find 100 degrees Fahrenheit "a little warm."

12. You know all four seasons: almost summer, summer, still summer, and
Christmas.

13. Going to Wal-mart is a favorite past time known as "Goin'
wal-martin" or "Off to ' Wally World'."

14. You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good gumbo
weather.

15. A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda, cola, or pop...it's a Coke,
regardless of brand or flavor. Example: "What kinna coke you
want?"

16. Fried Catfish is the other white meat.

17. You understand these and forward them to your friends from Louisiana
(and those who just wish they were).

sometimes you just have to laugh at yourself!
wes

[wes]

Texas Police Humor

GOOD:
> >> > > A Richardson , TX policeman had a perfect spot to watch for
> >> > > speeders, but wasn't getting much "business".
> >> > > Then he discovered the problem - a 12-year old boy was
> >> > > standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read,
> >> > > RADAR TRAP AHEAD". The officer then discovered a young
> >> > > accomplice down the road with a sign reading "TIPS", and a
> >> > > bucketful of money. (And we used to just sell lemonade.)
> >> > >
> >> > >


> >> > >
> >> > > BETTER:
> >> > > A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an
> >> > > automated radar post in Plano, TX. A $40 speeding ticket was
> >> > > enclosed.
> >> > > Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The
> >> > > police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.
> >> > >
> >> > >
> >> > > BEST:
> >> > > A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the TX State
> >> > > Trooper officer walked to her car window, flipping open his
> >> > > ticket book, she smiled and said "I bet you're going to sell me
> >> > > a ticket to the TX State Police Ball."
> >> > > He replied, "TX State Troopers don't have balls". There hung a
> >> > > moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized just what
> >> > > he'd said. He closed his ticket book, got back into his patrol car
> >> > > and drove off.
> >>
Love My Texas
wes

[wes]

>
> Texans!
>
>
>
> A man from Texas, driving a Volkswagen Beetle, pulls up next to a guy in an Arkansas licensed Rolls Royce at a stop sign.
>
> Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls, "Hey, you got a telephone in that Rolls?"
>
> The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do.."
>
> "I got one too... see?" the Texan says.
>
> "Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice."
>
> "You got a fax machine?" asks the Texan.
>
> "Why, actually, yes, I do."
>
> "I do too! See? It's right here!" brags the Texan.
>
> The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Volkswagen says, "So, do you have a double bed in back there?"
>
> The guy in the Rolls replies, "NO! Do you?"
>
> "Yep, got my double bed right in back here," the Texan replies.
>
> The light turns and the man in the Volkswagen takes off.
>
> Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he immediately goes to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double! e bed in back of his car.
>
> About two weeks later, the job is finally done. He picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the Volkswagen beetle with the Texas plates. Finally, he finds it parked alongside the road, so he pulls his Rolls up next to it.
>
> The windows on the Volkswagen are all fogged up and he feels some what awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Volkswagen.
>
> =======================
> (It's ok... The joke is CLEAN.)
> =======================
>
> The man in the Volkswagen finally opens the window a crack and peeks out.
>
> The guy with the Rolls says, "Hey, remember me?"
>
> "Yeah, yeah, I remember you," replies the Texan, "What's up?"
>
> "Check this out...I got a double bed installed in my Rolls.
>
> "The Texan exclaims, "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT !!!
>

[wildchild]

A sixteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to
fuss, "Where did you get that car???!!!

He calmly told them, "I bought it today."

"With what money?" demanded his parents? "We know what a Porsche costs."

"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."

So the parents began to panic and asked. "Who would sell a car like that for
fifteen dollars?" they said.

"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. "I don't know her name; they just
moved in.

She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche
for fifteen dollars."

"Oh my Goodness," moaned the mother to the boys father, "John, you go right
up there and see what's going on."

So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and
found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias!

He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche
for fifteen dollars and demanded to know what was going on.

"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he
was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with
his secretary.

The secretary took his money and left him after they had arrived. He called me
and claimed he was robbed and stranded. He asked me to sell his new Porsche
and send him the money. So I did."

[Weasel]

HOW MANY FORUM MEMBERS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs

53 to flame the spell checkers

41 to correct spelling/grammar flames

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ...

another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"

15 know-it-alls who claim *they* were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct

156 to email the participant's ISPs complaining that they are in violation of their "acceptable use policy"

109 to post that this group is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb group

203 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic forum, and lightbulb group about changing light bulbs be stopped

111 to defend the posting to this group saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts *are* relevant to this group

306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty

27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs

14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group

33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"

12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy

19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three"

4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ

44 to ask what is a "FAQ"

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

143 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again....

[ccrobbins]

This is for the star wars video above.....



www.livejournal.com/users/krautboy/243291.html

[Pixie]

Alright, I'm a military brat so most of my jokes are bound to be military related... here goes:

Navy/USMC:
Head
Rack
Chow Hall
Utilities
Seaman
Chief
Captain / Skipper
Captain's Mast/ Office Hrs
Billets
Skivvies
Thrown in the Brig

Army:
Latrine
Cot
Mess Hall
BDU's
Private
Sergeant
Colonel
Article 15
Barracks
Underwear
Put in confinement facility

Air Force:
Powder Room
A Single w/ ruffle & duvet
Cafe
Casual Wear
Bobby or Jimmy
Bob or Jim
Robert or James
Time Out
Dormitory
Lingerie
Grounded

[Pixie]

Rank Recognition Made Easy:

General

Faster than a speeding bullet.
More powerful than a locomotive.
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound.
Walks on water.
Lunches with God, but must pick up tab.

Colonel

Almost as fast as a speeding bullet.
More powerful than a shunting engine on a steep incline.
Leaps short buildings with a single bound.
Walks on water if sea is calm.
Talks to God.

Lieutenant-Colonel

Faster than an energetically thrown rock.
Almost as powerful as a speeding bullet.
Leaps short buildings with a running start in favourable winds.
Walks on water of indoor swimming pools if lifeguard is present.
May be granted audience with God if special request is approved at least three working days in advance.

Major

Can fire a speeding bullet with tolerable accuracy.
Loses tug-of-war against anything mechanical.
Makes impressively high marks when trying to leap tall buildings.
Swims well.
Is occasionally addressed by God, in passing.

Captain

Can sometimes handle firearm without shooting self.
Is run over by trains.
Barely clears outhouse.
Dog paddles.
Mumbles to self.

Lieutenant

Is dangerous to self and comrades if armed and unsupervised.
Recognizes trains two out of three times.
Runs into tall buildings.
Can stay afloat if properly instructed in the use of life jacket and water wings.
Talks to walls.

2nd Lieutenant

Can be trusted with either gun or ammunition but never both.
Must have train ticket pinned to jacket and mittens tied to sleeves.
Falls over doorsteps while trying to enter tall buildings.
Plays in Mud puddles.
Studders.

Officer Cadet

Under no circumstances to be issued with gun or ammunition, and must even be closely supervised when handling sharp pieces of paper - staples are right out.
Says: "Look at choo choo!"
Not allowed inside buildings of any size.
Makes good boat anchor.
Mere existence makes God shudder.

Sergeant-Major

Catches hyper sonic armour peircing fin stabilized discarding sabot depleted uranium long rod penetrators in his teeth and eats them.
Kicks bullet trains off their tracks.
Uproots tall buildings and walk under them.
Freezes water with a single glance; parts it with trifling gesture.

Is God.

[Alex]

I take it... some ones a Sergeant Major?

^^

[Pixie]

Nope. I don't have any officers in my family. They're all enlisted personnel. I'll probably be the first officer since my great great uncle. It's just that in the military, that's about how things are.

[BlueTiercel]

I am sure alot of you have already seen these, been online for awhile now. As someone from the GI JOE cartoon generation i think these are funny as hell and had to post the link.
www.ebaumsworld.com/gijoe.html
these are all edited of course.

[frootdog]

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year."

The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're bullsh*ttin' me!"

The social worker says, "Yeah, well... you started it."

[ccrobbins]

[Pixie]

Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk:
a) Innovative
b) Preliminary
c) Proliferation
d) Cinnamon

Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk:
a) Specificity
b) British Constitution
c) Passive-aggressive disorder
d) Transubstantiate

Things that are DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk...
a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.
b) Nope, no more drinks for me, I've reached my limit.
c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
d) Please take the shooters back, let's have water.
e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
f) I'm not interested in fighting you.
g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.
h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have zero coordination.
I) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.
j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.
k) Look, it would be great to have a f**k, but I hardly know you and we will only feel really embarrassed and awkward in the morning.
l) That guy is looking at my girlfriend but I am sure it's just because he knows her or something.
m) That chair looks wobbly and dangerous and I certainly wouldn't try balancing on it with this short skirt on in case I fell off.
n) I must get to my bed as I could never have a really good sleep in that hedge.