Jokes

[Weasel]

Texas Humor
The owner of a golf course in Texas was confused about
paying an invoice so he decided to ask his secretary for some
mathematical help. He called her into his office and said,
"You graduated from the University of Texas and I need some
help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would
you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but
my earrings."
You gotta love those Texas women. ;D

[LeeSlikkers]

LOL.....hmmm, maybe this Yankee should take a road trip to Texas

[Strider]

our red neck gals at leas gots some modesty

[Austin]

This lady awakes in the middle of the night, Earl is not in bed with her.
She goes down stairs and sees him sitting in the kitchen drinking coffee with tears running down his face.
What's wrong! she asked Earl?
Oh just thinking how long we been married!
Do you remember when we were dating and we were parked at the end of the lane in the covertable?
Yes , she replied.
Do you remember when your dad caught us in the back seat?
Oh,Yes! she said.
Do you remember what he said when He stuck that shotgun in my face?
No, she said.
He said, "Boy your going to marry that girl or spend 20 years in prison!"
Oh yes, I remember that!
But why are you crying, Earl?
Well because today is the day they would have let me out!

[squirrelhawker32]

SWEET!!!!!!

[Falcon (I)]

Ahaha love it Austin

[Weasel]

Oil Change instructions for Women:

1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since
the last oil change. 2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained
vehicle.

Money spent:

Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $1.00
Total $21.00

Oil Change instructions for Men:

1. Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of
oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
2. Stop by 7-11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20.00,
drive home. 3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; splash hot oil on you in process.
Cuss.
12. Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13. Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14. Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil
filter
and twist off.
16. Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil
everywhere from holes.
Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid
environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17. Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.
18. Sunday: Skip church because "I gottafinish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it back to Kragen to recycle.
19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20. Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface...
23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24. Remember drain plug from step 11.
25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26. Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard,
along with drain plug.
27. Drink beer.
28. Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt
into hole... Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.
29. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
30. Drink beer.
31. Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32. Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33. Begin cussing fit.
34. Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992) in the left boob.
36. Beer.
37. Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
38. Beer.
39. Beer.
40. Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41. Beer.
42. Lower car from jack stands.
43. Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.
45. Beer.
46. Test drive car.
47. Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48. Car gets impounded.
49. Call loving wife, make bail.
50. 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:

Parts $50.00
Beer $40.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
DUI $2500.00
Total $4165.00

-- But you know the job was done right.

[Strider]

Man that one was great.

[Austin]

Have you been talking to my wife??

[Minca]

Women who read...

A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in
northern Minnesota.
The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn.
The wife likes to
read. One morning the husband returns after
several hours of fishing and decides to take a
nap.

Although not familiar with the lake, the wife
decides to take the
boat out. She motors out a short distance,
anchors, and continues to read her book.

Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls
up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning
Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't
that obvious?")

"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs
her.

"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm
reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I
know you could start
at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write
you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with
sexual assault," says
the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game
warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For
all I know you
could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am", and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's
likely she can also think.

[Falcon (I)]

haha clever

[BlueTiercel]

I like em all. Weasel that joke is me...i spilt about a gallon of oil in the driveway a few weeks ago...no kitty liter...used whole roll of paper towls and lit it on ifre..and it burned and burned and buned..and i thought, i am such a dumbass, i shoulda waited or help pouring the oil into that d**n container...without a real funnel...and why did i light it on fire? why didnt i just throw it out? now i gotta sit out here for an hour.....boy this is fun...At some point i put it out when most was burned up and went inside..another fun winter night in maine.

[Tiercel78]

This isn't really a joke! I kicked myself for leaving it out but after the fact It's kinda funny. The dog ate all of the fingers but one. You think he is trying to tell me something?

[Weasel]

Now that's some funny s**t!!!!!hahahahaha!!!

[Dodes]

I think that's the best thing I've ever seen.