Jokes

[ccrobbins]

A man has to have priorities.

[Weasel]

..........amen................

[Weasel]

I got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day.


We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic nights we used to enjoy together. I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'dbe interested in meeting upandrekindling a little of that 'magic'.


Wow!” I said, "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now! I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"


She just giggled and said she was sure I'd rise to the challenge!!! "Yeah" I said, "just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistlinethat'sa few inches wider these days!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly!

She teased me saying that tubby bald men were cute!


"Anyway, I've put on a few pounds myself!" she giggled........................................... .......
















............. So I told her to f**k off.

[ccrobbins]

LOL!



A beautiful woman approaches a man at a market and says " I think you are the father of one of my kids".

The man thinks for a bit and looking quite concerned asks " Are you the prostitute I nailed outside of Chucky Cheese during my sons birthday party"?

The woman says " No, I think I am his math teacher".

[jobbyjob]

Two Scotsmen had been pals since childhood and had shared everything over the years. One day, Angus won a rare bottle of Scotch in a door prize.
Immediately, Jock says "Open it up and we'll have a dram."
"Naw, ah'm goin' tae save it for a special occasion."
Birthdays came and went, his anniversaries came and went, but Jock could never get Angus to open the bottle.
Finally Angus had a heart attack, and was laying on his deathbed. He motioned for his old friend to come closer. "Jock, remember that rare bottle of Scotch I won?"
"Aye, ah certainly do, Angus!"
"Weell, ah like ye tae do me a favor Jock, my dear friend."
"Aye, anything ye ask Angus."
"When ah'm dead, wid ye take that bottle an' open it up--"
"Aye, Angus, then what?"
"Wid ye pour it over ma grave?"
"Pour it over yer grave? My god Angus. It's 40 year old Scotch! But I'll do it for ye."
"Oh, ye're a real pal Jock, and ah'll appreciate that."
Jock says, "There's just one thing Angus, wid ye mind if ah filter it through my kidneys first?"

[Weasel]

Go to my site online and download this media file. I was laughing my butt off with this one!!!


esnips.com/web/Iamtheweaselsmusic

[colohen]

Attn: Pixie

Four Soldiers in the Latrine!

Seaman " In the Navy they teach us to WASH our hands before we go !"

Airman " In the Air force they teach us to WASH our hands after we go ! "

Grunt " ;D In the Army they teach us NOT to go on our hands ! "

Jarhead " ?"

[frootdog]

Funny Magic trick



Hey buddy? Can you help me find my rabbit?



Yeah man. Hey It's right here in your arse.



Thank God. I thought I'd lost it forever! ;D

[Weasel]

LOL!!! That was too funny! Poor Jeff....If he only new.....

[Weasel]

Five rules for a man to having a happy life.

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time
to time, cleans up, and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie
to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is a good lover and who likes to be
with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each
other.

[frootdog]

Manisms

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
(e) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c) Another set and we can hit the showers!

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.

28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever. We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:
"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"
"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next!"

We hope this clears up any confusion,

The International Council of Manhood, Ltd.

[dac]

A man walks into his buddy’s backyard after karate practice and sees his three friends laughing.
He asked what’s up.
The buddy whose backyard it is dares him to karate kick him in the crouch.
So after some deliberation and a large amount of money changing hands he says ok.
So he has his friend stand in a kind of crouching position.
The man kicks.
Both men fall to the ground.
The man who got kicked is on the ground because the metal cup he was wearing failed.
The man who kicked because there’s a huge hole in his foot.


i think this is missing something but can't figure out what.